Productivity Secrets Revealed!
Here is my guide on how to enjoy and succeed in every area of your life. If you do not get the results you want following these ideas, you may want to consider doing the opposite.
Work
Get a job you hate. That way you have something to complain about to your friends.
Don’t work hard or put in more than the absolute minimum to keep employed; you don’t want to risk getting accidentally promoted.
Never start your own business. That is for those enterpr….intreprineuters… iprenerurs… you know those French people. Those guys are crazy.
Debt
Debt is your friend. The more debt you get into, the more purchases you can make. If you get good at acquiring debt, you may even be eligible for a government bailout. Your motto should be, “too big to fail!”
Consumption
When you go shopping try to remember these key words: “bigger” and “more.” Learn to super-size your life.
If you don’t have the cash, go back to the previous step, “debt is your friend.”
Buy lots of stuff you don’t need because someday you might.
If you have trouble choosing, close your eyes and point to random things.
Play
Watch lots of TV so you can use up all those excess hours in the day and you can also get good ideas about what to buy and eat.
Health
Don’t exercise. That takes work and you even after to shower afterward. It is much better if you feel lazy and sick all the time because it is a great excuse to watch more TV.
Education
My uncle’s friend’s brother’s acquaintance’s cousin dropped out of junior high school and look where he is now.
Don`t do it! Studying, reading, knowledge. Yuck! Enough said.
Love
The best relationships are those where you suck as much energy from your partner as possible. People are to be used.
Never give compliments and it helps if you complain a lot.
Try starting all sentences with, “You are so…..” and “You are too….”
Family
You probably never wanted to have kids anyway, so try not to spend too much time with them.
Television is the best parent. It did us perfectly fine.
If your kids whine a lot, give them whatever they want. It is easier to buy things than spend time with children.
Travel
It is best to wait until you are retired to travel. That way you might die or get sick and not have to go to some strange country that doesn’t even speak English.
If you do go, make sure you choose a place with lots of fast food restaurants. Why would you try some exotic food when you have McDonald’s?
Don’t bother to learn foreign languages. That is a waste of time. If the locals don’t understand you, just speak in a louder voice.
The Environment
You are only one person so what difference does it make how much you pollute and consume. You can’t solve all the world’s problems so don’t waste your time worrying about it.
Besides if everything is as bad as scientists say, then the world will be gone in a few more decades anyway. Abuse nature now before it is all gone.
P.S. Hopefully, some of you will recognize a hint of sarcasm in this post. This is what passes as my limited sense of humor.
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